Yep... I have not written since January - I have had several people wonder about this, as I have wondered about it. God has been full of grace for me here, AND, I believe I grieve His heart when I do not use... no, more strongly, I bury the talents He gave me.
I was thinking about why I have not written. I do know that back in the spring I was pretty "lit up" about this dude that was teaching stuff from the margins of scripture (when you establish conclusions around stuff that God clearly leaves as inconclusive in the bible)... anyhow, I loathe this practice, as tempting as it is for the spinning brain, if God does not make it clear - He does not intend for us to have it nailed so-to-speak. Leave it alone and enjoy the ambiguity of it - don't "solve it" against the sounding board of your dysfunctional-childhood, cortisol-infused, pothole-riddled synaptic highway system! This is how all divergent religions (some people call these "cults", some people call these "alternatives") are formed by the way... see "Christian Science, Mormonism, Jehovah's Witness, Pensacola-Toronto-Kansas City Revivals [yes these revivals were constantly, and still are, filling in the margins] et al...). ANYHOW - back to my point - I was lit up and I was really angry because a ministry I am forever enmeshed with was affiliated indirectly with this "creative thinker" and I was SOOO upset that this affiliation could hurt that ministry.
-THEN-
Someone I respect as much as I can respect someone ever in eternity said to me... "if a church elder ever read your blog, you would not be allowed to teach in that church and that ministry would be in jeopardy..." (something very close to that, that is what is burned into my brain though). My stomach hurts right now writing this... I, AND MY THOUGHTS, ARE DANGEROUS TO THE WOUNDED! What I write, could keep the ministry that turns people back to Jesus in their deepest pain, out of a church!!! The truth of that had me ready to delete everything I have ever written and I feared to write ANYTHING again. I am shaking a bit right now. SO - look, I know that elder boards in churches are a GIANT tool of evil for very religious law keepers to exercise their elaborate hiding schemes in concert with each other and they hurt people deeply, regularly, often, and most often without recourse. Elder boards are ALSO tasked with keeping dangerous idiots (EVIL) from bringing stupid dangerous marginal ministries into their churches - so they often err on the very conservative side of "allowance" - and you know what, I don't think they are wrong in doing that... it is quite a conundrum.
So I thought, and thought, and thought... If I were a church elder and I read this blog, would I let Russ teach and lead in my church. If I don't know him... nope, probably not - and many would say "no way, no how, never". So here I am, caught between who I am, what I think about, what has happened to me... and needing the formal organization of the Church, because they have facilities basically, to house the execution of life giving ministries... I am caught between them being dangerous. My only hope, is that God will protect me there I guess. (HA! imagine that, CRAP - I have to rely on Him again!).
Well, while I have been "caught", and stuck, and, and, and... I chose to rely on myself and I buried my "talents". Then God...
First - my friend who mentors and loves me well - came to me and gave me a ceramic figurine. He found it at the coast - it was a Blue Crab. He did not know what was going on with me or why I had not been writing, and, he bought me the crab. He gave it to me and said he did not necessarily know why God wanted him to give it to me but that he thought it might be around the fact that "maybe a chapter is closing". He said that my last post was very powerful and that maybe God has a new place for your writing to go now - just a different chapter. I was stunned because I had been wondering that myself. I said that Crab figurine, was an alter now, a marker of the end of this blog. It means more to me that he can know, and I am deeply touched by his obedience to listening to God, and his kind care for me.
AND YESTERDAY - I listened as Dr. Henry Cloud told us lots of great stuff - and I could not move off of this point - "Observe the Ant, oh Sluggard" - that is a scripture and after you do a word study on "sluggard" you come to the word indolent - or, "avoids pain". I have been avoiding pain, seeking pleasure, working on other stuff - AND - avoiding / leaving my talent buried... God, I think, gave me a talent to write when he made me and I should be writing. Tres told me long ago "Russ, writers write, so... write!"... he simply wanted to tell me that I am not a great writer, and I will remain not-a-great-writer if I don't use what I have been given - I become a "wicked and lazy servant" of my gifting. God rewards movement, activity - He lives through me not For Me "cast, step, go, walk, run, do, be, etc..." lots of stuff God calls us to contain verbs that are not "wait" and "rest" dang it. Yep, the dreaded "Faith without Works" verse is in the bible - when I don't write, a piece of my faith - - - is Dead. So I am going to write and I am going to write, and I am going to write more... "God willing".
AND - not here. This blog had it's purpose and it's place - and it will stay for anyone to enjoy the ramblings of a ranting dysfunctional in his "formative" years. I don't know what will become of me or writing, don't know... don't know if it is my primary talent, I just know it is one of them and I am an idiot if I don't get after it and write.
So join me and my brain over at... http://arrowsinmyshank.blogspot.com/
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
There went I
I need to warn you, this post is a bit graphic, it is about the porn industry, and me.
You know that saying "There but for the Grace of God go I"... well, a couple of weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine over coffee... about a documentary he and his wife saw on the porn industry. It was all pretty typical if you have ever ventured into the underbelly that evil thrives in to make this industry thrive.
It is 95% about abused, numbed out, drug addicted women being thrashed by dangerous angry men... most of whom share some drug and sex addiction, and a majority of the men have some serious women hating violence in them. The ones that make it out of the industry will tell you the truth, and the ones still in it... they try to act so "normal" when interviewed in these documentaries, and yet they drip with dysfunction - the men that produce the porn - well, you could scrape thick slabs of sleaze off of them with a shovel if you needed. They truly are scum. The actors are victims and perpetrators all rolled into a mess. Watching one of the documentaries will do wonders for anyone with a porn addiction that has a conscious and/or any faith because the truth behind those "scenes" that are so addictive is pathetic and sickening. If you have ever seen a "behind the scenes" view of porn being made, it is so bizarre that it is stunning. It is like another day at the office and they talk and take breaks and get themselves aroused "enough" to continue with the scene after having a soda and setting up the camera somewhere else in the room... and the level of disassociation is palpable and thick because in the deepest part of them - they know they are desecrating one of God's most precious gifts and evil is lurking and laughing.
Well, my friend was describing this and I was like "oh, I know, it is so wild to see the mess of it all..." - then he moved on to something that shook me a bit. He was talking about a part in the documentary where they had 2 good looking 20 something men doing a gay porn scene. Immediately I thought, "well, of course gays are in that industry like crazy". Then he said it was just like the heterosexual scene production process but this was crazy... because both the men were married (to women) and their wives were also porn stars. Both wives were there, sitting on chairs behind the cameras helping stimulate their husbands during breaks because it was difficult for them to stay aroused... because they weren't gay / aroused by men... and to finish the scene they both needed to anally rape one another. And it was sort of a ho-hum day at the office just plow through it sort of resignation to doing it. When asked, the men said "well, straight sex scenes pay about $600 on average, and we each get $3000 for a gay scene... so it is a no-brainer, the money is so much better"... I could imagine evil nodding its head with delight.
So, in my head I thought "HOW, how could two men disassociate THAT MUCH... how could they even do that to one another and kiss and... oh my god, what the hell, I could NEVER do that"... We left and went back to our desks and I left for home shortly there after. I was driving home thinking about how crazy what I had heard was, and how I could not imagine... then it hit me. Tears welled up in my eyes because - shit... shit, shit, shit - I know exactly how they could disassociate "that much". I did it for five f-ing years when I was younger. I was sexually abused by a boy raping gay bastard from England for 5 years - and I just plowed through it, resigned to the belief that it is simply the cost of survival, to be away from my miserable home, and to keep attached my two closest friends at the time both of whom he was also abusing. Plowed through and resigned to death. I know, I know exactly how they can check out - hate every moment, hate yourself, hate your abuser - and still swallow, and still have an orgasm.
So... it is not "There but for the Grace of God go I"... it is "There with God watching - I went"...
By his Grace - I can sit here and write about it, it helps.
Sorry this is sort of graphic but I needed to write it.
You know that saying "There but for the Grace of God go I"... well, a couple of weeks ago I was talking to a friend of mine over coffee... about a documentary he and his wife saw on the porn industry. It was all pretty typical if you have ever ventured into the underbelly that evil thrives in to make this industry thrive.
It is 95% about abused, numbed out, drug addicted women being thrashed by dangerous angry men... most of whom share some drug and sex addiction, and a majority of the men have some serious women hating violence in them. The ones that make it out of the industry will tell you the truth, and the ones still in it... they try to act so "normal" when interviewed in these documentaries, and yet they drip with dysfunction - the men that produce the porn - well, you could scrape thick slabs of sleaze off of them with a shovel if you needed. They truly are scum. The actors are victims and perpetrators all rolled into a mess. Watching one of the documentaries will do wonders for anyone with a porn addiction that has a conscious and/or any faith because the truth behind those "scenes" that are so addictive is pathetic and sickening. If you have ever seen a "behind the scenes" view of porn being made, it is so bizarre that it is stunning. It is like another day at the office and they talk and take breaks and get themselves aroused "enough" to continue with the scene after having a soda and setting up the camera somewhere else in the room... and the level of disassociation is palpable and thick because in the deepest part of them - they know they are desecrating one of God's most precious gifts and evil is lurking and laughing.
Well, my friend was describing this and I was like "oh, I know, it is so wild to see the mess of it all..." - then he moved on to something that shook me a bit. He was talking about a part in the documentary where they had 2 good looking 20 something men doing a gay porn scene. Immediately I thought, "well, of course gays are in that industry like crazy". Then he said it was just like the heterosexual scene production process but this was crazy... because both the men were married (to women) and their wives were also porn stars. Both wives were there, sitting on chairs behind the cameras helping stimulate their husbands during breaks because it was difficult for them to stay aroused... because they weren't gay / aroused by men... and to finish the scene they both needed to anally rape one another. And it was sort of a ho-hum day at the office just plow through it sort of resignation to doing it. When asked, the men said "well, straight sex scenes pay about $600 on average, and we each get $3000 for a gay scene... so it is a no-brainer, the money is so much better"... I could imagine evil nodding its head with delight.
So, in my head I thought "HOW, how could two men disassociate THAT MUCH... how could they even do that to one another and kiss and... oh my god, what the hell, I could NEVER do that"... We left and went back to our desks and I left for home shortly there after. I was driving home thinking about how crazy what I had heard was, and how I could not imagine... then it hit me. Tears welled up in my eyes because - shit... shit, shit, shit - I know exactly how they could disassociate "that much". I did it for five f-ing years when I was younger. I was sexually abused by a boy raping gay bastard from England for 5 years - and I just plowed through it, resigned to the belief that it is simply the cost of survival, to be away from my miserable home, and to keep attached my two closest friends at the time both of whom he was also abusing. Plowed through and resigned to death. I know, I know exactly how they can check out - hate every moment, hate yourself, hate your abuser - and still swallow, and still have an orgasm.
So... it is not "There but for the Grace of God go I"... it is "There with God watching - I went"...
By his Grace - I can sit here and write about it, it helps.
Sorry this is sort of graphic but I needed to write it.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Advent 24 & the Big Finish!
I am here... gotta finish this marathon off. We left town for Christmas so it was hard to write.
Well, we stayed here Christmas Eve, Kim sewed all day to finish off the 9 homemade snuggies she made for all of our nieces and nephews. She got really soft and high-end fleece (because if you have ever felt a TV Snuggie, you know it is made of cheap "dog-blanket" fleece), and she made them all Snuggie's with hand pockets and foot pockets. They were a HUGE hit by the way. So the Eve of our Lords Birthday was spent relaxing and playing with the boys, getting ready to leave town early, early the next morning. Around 6 we took showers, got out the Eggnog, talked a bit about Jesus, Prayed together... and opened presents. It was a lot of fun and everyone was playing with their "stuff" for a while. We opened presents on Christmas Eve because we were leaving for Corpus around 3:30 a.m. so we could go Duck Hunting with the Corpus Orrick Clan. We won't do this again by the way, and my son Jacob let on to some wisdom when he wanted to stay home for Christmas morning and not Duck Hunt until Sunday morning. He is 16 and feigns indifference to much (as 16 year old's tend to do!) but he loves Christmas morning with just us - opening presents, having breakfast, and enjoying one another... He loves to hunt so I really should have listened when he said he wanted to stay home instead and hunt later, he was giving us an opportunity for beauty. Should have listened... should have listened - live and learn.
This, is as the still, quiet voice that the Spirit speaks with... The Lord lets you know the path of the most beauty every time I think, if we will only listen. I have learned to listen to it - and I remember the gut ignoring moment when I chose to move ahead with going Duck Hunting instead of listening to the Lord's voice through my son, I can see the moment clearly... dang it!
So, we finished our evening and scrambled to get stuff ready to leave... slept for a few hours, scrambled some more, and stumbled out way out of the house just before 4 a.m... On the way out of town, we were running about 20 minutes behind - on 37 south just downtown we were diverted off the freeway as the police were closing it. About exactly when we were originally scheduled to be passing by Hildebrand road and 37, a man committed suicide by walking his dog in the center lane of the freeway we were on around a sort of blind corner there, we were late, we were spared being either the car that hit him... or certainly we would have been one of the first cars to see it all - and apparently it was messy. The Lord kindly delayed us, just enough.
We got to the Sweeny Switch on Lake Mathis around 5:30 a.m. and Kim dropped me and the boys off with our nephew Hunter (his name, and his skill!). Kim went on to Corpus to help our Niece Michelle and her brother Mike with the morning cooking in preparation for a big Christmas dinner. I wanted to go Duck hunting with my boys that morning because I thought it would be a great memory maker with them, it would certainly be an adventure, and it just seemed like the right thing to do. Nothing was wrong with it... and - it was a good and fun hunt. Here are some pictures from our Christmas Morning Duck Hunt:
So, it was beautiful where we hunted, and it was fun, cold, muddy and okie dokie - good just not the best. The reason I know this is that we went hunting again Sunday Morning and the hunt was even more fun because we got many more ducks... AND this was a memory maker and my boys and I and my nephew had fun doing this. The Lord walked us grace-fully through this choice on Christmas morning. In the place we were building stronger family bonds and loving each other in relationship, we honored the Lord and what he created us for...
So, now it is Christmas morning. We get back to our Nieces house at around 10:30 a.m. and, well, it was again just this bag of words - interesting, fun, funny, sad, head shaking, enjoyable, and simply - family. We were at Michelle's house and the house was filled up with the siblings of 2 families that have a long history together - the Orrick boys and the Peel boys - and a few girls! The sad first - most of the Peels and a few of the Orricks are Redneck-Alcoholics, in other words they drink a lot of beer and they drink it all day. The attention to beer has not been good for their health and it is a little bit hard to watch them focus on such sad survival of their dysfunction. There was not a single person at this event that did not come from a relatively horrible home, save my boys (and they had Kim and I as parents so they have their OWN stories!). This brood of country boys is as kind and funny as they come though, I mean they would give you the shirt off their back at any moment and they are really hilarious to hand around, and we have been around them a lot over the years so it is not unusual or unexpected, or odd to spend a holiday with all of them. What is good is that they all care about one another, and they all take care of one another, and they are a solid 1/3 of Kim and I's family - so, family is family baby and it is good to be with them in short stints. Like I said, they are VERY kind and really funny.
AND - it is just an adventure in redneck lore to hang out. I was standing at the sliding glass door looking out into the back "yard" about 30 minutes before we called everyone in to eat. And after around 7 minutes of country boy people watching I had at least 5 more "yoooou might be a Redneck jokes"... just from watching my family! FOR EXAMPLE... "If you are using a walker, because your knee replacement surgery allowed you to stand up straight for the first time in 8 years and that revealed your hip problem... if you are using that walker to get back over to your large Styrofoam cup filled to the rim with Cabernet Sauvignon, over ice, after peeing in the corner of the back "yard", and you accidentally knock your plastic chair over in the fire and it starts to melt... Yooouuuuu might be a Redneck!"... that is NO JOKE that is just simple observation of Uncle Rickey, one of the most gentle and kindest men I have ever fished with!
Anyhow, we made it to dinner. And it was quite a spread. Michelle (who is 22), her dad (Kim's brother Mike), and Kim made the meal - but mostly Michelle because having this all at her house was
her idea. She is a wonderful young lady and she wanted her family together, the parts that are speaking to one another (because Kim's twin brother and dad, are "feuding" with Kim's older brother so the family is in 1/3's). She wanted to get us together and have a family Christmas meal. This is a picture of our beautiful niece and my wife in the kitchen. They fixed a Turkey, a Ham, Orrick family recipe cornbread and biscuit dressing, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, green bean casserole, corn, mash potatoes, and giblet gravy... buttermilk and pumpkin pies for dessert... AND, it was amazingly awesomely fantastic. I was so proud of Michelle and everyone gave her a standing ovation for the meal. I was a little tear filled because I told her that her Mema (Kim's mom and Michelle's most loved grandmother who passed away several years ago) would be soooo very very proud of her - and that she is smiling from Heaven right now. It was a sweet moment. They asked me to say the blessing and that felt good to allow me to honor the Lord for this gaggle of God's children that He was born for, and died for, and loves with a bigger smile than I have for them... After eating we had redneck triptafan coma naps with football game watching, kids laughing and playing. Then everyone opened presents that night together, it was fun, and that was Christmas day!
her idea. She is a wonderful young lady and she wanted her family together, the parts that are speaking to one another (because Kim's twin brother and dad, are "feuding" with Kim's older brother so the family is in 1/3's). She wanted to get us together and have a family Christmas meal. This is a picture of our beautiful niece and my wife in the kitchen. They fixed a Turkey, a Ham, Orrick family recipe cornbread and biscuit dressing, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, green bean casserole, corn, mash potatoes, and giblet gravy... buttermilk and pumpkin pies for dessert... AND, it was amazingly awesomely fantastic. I was so proud of Michelle and everyone gave her a standing ovation for the meal. I was a little tear filled because I told her that her Mema (Kim's mom and Michelle's most loved grandmother who passed away several years ago) would be soooo very very proud of her - and that she is smiling from Heaven right now. It was a sweet moment. They asked me to say the blessing and that felt good to allow me to honor the Lord for this gaggle of God's children that He was born for, and died for, and loves with a bigger smile than I have for them... After eating we had redneck triptafan coma naps with football game watching, kids laughing and playing. Then everyone opened presents that night together, it was fun, and that was Christmas day!The next morning we went hunting again, did great, cleaned the birds, packed up... and headed for the 2nd 1/3 of Kim's family at the family ranch east of Feer outside of Agua Dulce (in case you were wondering!) Anyhow this is Kim's twin brother and his family. They are also tons of fun to hang around and our boys just love them to death. We are hoping for a day when everyone is back together again - maybe after Kim's stupid and horrible father dies... Anyhow, we left the boys with Kevin and their aunt, nieces and nephew at the ranch... and they are spending this week with them, Jacob is helping Kevin (Kim's twin) at the Gulf Coast Nut and Bolt business in Corpus to make some money... they will visit Kim's dad at his restaurant, the Chat -n- Chew (I am not shitting you, are we country or what!). Finally, at the end of the week they will go to Houston and Kim and I will join them for New Years! It will be fun.
This is a long post, and I wanted to write down what we did because I just wanted to remember it all. It has been a good Christmas, and it has been a hard Christmas.
I think I want to say Thank you Jesus for comming to us, for insulting our sin with Your Amazing Grace... for loving us in our mess, pain, shame, sin, and Glory. Jesus, Happy Birthday, thank you for my family, for my friends... for all You give, for all you withhold, for all you allow, for your smile of tender, untempered, wild love... Thank you Jesus, thank you.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Avent 22 & 23 - Holy Baby
Holy Baby!!! It is only 2 days till the party. Last night we had tamale's, chili, queso, some wine, apple cider with spiced rum and cinnamon... with a couple that enjoys enjoying enjoyment... who doesn't! And we have another brood coming over tonight. It was fun and we ate and talked and listened to Christmas music amidst the candles and lights and all that stuff.
We noted as we ate the tamale's, how much they cost. They are delicious and they are expensive little packages of spicy and tasty shredded meats and stuffing's wrapped in masa... I expect the expense comes from the fact that they are a complete pain in the ass to make. It is an involved process involving corn, pigs head (you need the facial meat), etc. and so forth... and Mexican ladies that know what the heck they are doing! After this all day process, out comes the little corn husk wrapped Christmas gift called the tamale. You really can only get excellent ones here... in San Antonio, and ANY dispute of that is really foolish my well meaning readers. Oh, you can find good tamales across the country for sure... made by transplanted San Antonio Mexican Americans! And... I have eaten tamales wrapped in banana leaves from central Mexico made by a native Mexican, etc. etc... sometimes great food gets iterated on until it is muey perfecto in a certain location and the tamale has been perfected HERE - so SHUT IT - HEAD, PANTS, NOW!!!
A little incongruous rant to leave you wandering about my sanity! ANYHOW, we were commenting on how much these babies cost because we ate them last Christmas also over at Mark and Tracy's. They served tamales on Christmas - and they had no money to serve tamales. They always gave extravagantly and more than what was "prudent" because the tastes of life were what was important - and the money would take care of itself, somehow. There are apparently a stream of visitors now flying, driving, and launching themselves up to Michigan in furrowing procession to be with the Johnson's over the holiday's. The reason is that they represent more life and family than many / most of those making their way up, have ever had / felt / enjoyed / experienced... ever. The fallout of the Johnson's pilgrimage to the tundra simply means several things.
We noted as we ate the tamale's, how much they cost. They are delicious and they are expensive little packages of spicy and tasty shredded meats and stuffing's wrapped in masa... I expect the expense comes from the fact that they are a complete pain in the ass to make. It is an involved process involving corn, pigs head (you need the facial meat), etc. and so forth... and Mexican ladies that know what the heck they are doing! After this all day process, out comes the little corn husk wrapped Christmas gift called the tamale. You really can only get excellent ones here... in San Antonio, and ANY dispute of that is really foolish my well meaning readers. Oh, you can find good tamales across the country for sure... made by transplanted San Antonio Mexican Americans! And... I have eaten tamales wrapped in banana leaves from central Mexico made by a native Mexican, etc. etc... sometimes great food gets iterated on until it is muey perfecto in a certain location and the tamale has been perfected HERE - so SHUT IT - HEAD, PANTS, NOW!!!
A little incongruous rant to leave you wandering about my sanity! ANYHOW, we were commenting on how much these babies cost because we ate them last Christmas also over at Mark and Tracy's. They served tamales on Christmas - and they had no money to serve tamales. They always gave extravagantly and more than what was "prudent" because the tastes of life were what was important - and the money would take care of itself, somehow. There are apparently a stream of visitors now flying, driving, and launching themselves up to Michigan in furrowing procession to be with the Johnson's over the holiday's. The reason is that they represent more life and family than many / most of those making their way up, have ever had / felt / enjoyed / experienced... ever. The fallout of the Johnson's pilgrimage to the tundra simply means several things.
- People will make their way up there to be loved and to love, well
- People will have to find a way to be loved and to love here in their absence
- People will be REALLY JEALOUS of the people who get to go up there before OTHER PEOPLE get to go up there!!!
THERE, I said it, I am Jealous of all you Johnson hoggers! And that says nothing of the lap sitters that had the Johnson's land in their backyard and now make toasts like "It is sooo wonderful to have you guy's" (because they are too sophisticated to say y'all!) "to have you here, in Michigan... we prayed for this and look what God has done, it is long overdue blah blah blah" over wine and candles and warmth. So, I want you all to know that I AM JEALOUS of your proximity and fortune.
Yesterday morning, I was texting Mark that I was thinking about him and I missed him... and about half-way through my textual creation, he called me to ask for money... NO, just playin cause I'm a playa'... he called to say that they had tasted good stuff the night before and he often connects good tastes with me and Kim (I know it is "Kim and I" English majors). We have been lots of places together and tasted lots of amazing wows all over the place... including each others tables and couches. It was cool that we were thinking about one another at the same time, not surprising, just cool.
Anyhow, I miss the Johnson's, I am jealous of all the Johnson travelers, I am trying to be loved and love well in their absence... and last night was a few steps there, hopefully tonight will be as well... and... and - I think that until we die - we will be going wherever the Johnson's are to be with them because the uniqueness of our relationship cannot be supplanted - not even - and it should be emulated with others because they taught us something important about loving each other that is essential for life.
SO... Johnson lovers - Let's live in the tension of absence and loving each other well - and visiting whenever we can.
End stream-of-consciousness, but that is what I was thinking about...
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Advent 15 thru 21 - Paradox
A couple of things... On Sunday I was at church and worship was awesome. At one point they did a little drama where they were trying to depict a Christmas gift that was "worldly", "disappointing", etc... whatever. A girl opened the gift and inside was a wilted rose and she was left empty and wanting. Jesus was behind her urging her to the other side of the stage where the Gift of His life was waiting by the cross. So she makes her way over there and accepts the gift and opens it and it is a perfect, vibrant rose and her and Jesus embrace. This was background-ed by a really awesome song we were singing with the band. It was cool, I had tears, it was true... and it is also dismissive of the rent vale. Right before we started the song/drama a teenager set it up by saying "blah, blah, blah, we OFTEN FORGET the REAL meaning of Christmas".
See, I don't think Christians or non-Christians have any chance of "forgetting" metaphorically or literally the "real" meaning of Christmas. Even the humanistic politics of trying to remove Christ from Christmas and the strained efforts to say "holiday" instead of Christmas scream at us... "HEY, LET'S SAY HOLIDAY INSTEAD OF CHRISTMAS BECAUSE CHRISTMAS HAS THE WORD CHRIST IN IT AND WE ARE AFRAID OF CHRIST BECAUSE MY HEART HURTS WHEN I HEAR THE WORD JESUS"!!! The truth I think is that we live walking in and out of His open invitation. We can walk past the vale to sit with Him at the party, and we can stand outside the room holding our comfortable shame with contempt.
We are torn with our paradoxical God... "Jesus I Believe, Help me Lord with my Unbelief" "The true meaning of Christmas is Christs birthday party, I want an iPad" "I love you Lord, I fear what you will allow to build my faith" "You love me Lord, you have allowed evil to rip me in half" "I rebel and clinch my fist and shoot the finger at you Lord, you never leave me and kindly invite me to a safe, warm, loving embrace that fills my heart with hope"...
So, enough with the "we forget the true meaning..." easy guilt inducing missives. Let's talk about the wild ride it is to stand in the tension between our sin and our Savior... He is all about that and I feel close to Him when I see Him teaching, loving, growing, and never forsaking me there.
See, I don't think Christians or non-Christians have any chance of "forgetting" metaphorically or literally the "real" meaning of Christmas. Even the humanistic politics of trying to remove Christ from Christmas and the strained efforts to say "holiday" instead of Christmas scream at us... "HEY, LET'S SAY HOLIDAY INSTEAD OF CHRISTMAS BECAUSE CHRISTMAS HAS THE WORD CHRIST IN IT AND WE ARE AFRAID OF CHRIST BECAUSE MY HEART HURTS WHEN I HEAR THE WORD JESUS"!!! The truth I think is that we live walking in and out of His open invitation. We can walk past the vale to sit with Him at the party, and we can stand outside the room holding our comfortable shame with contempt.
We are torn with our paradoxical God... "Jesus I Believe, Help me Lord with my Unbelief" "The true meaning of Christmas is Christs birthday party, I want an iPad" "I love you Lord, I fear what you will allow to build my faith" "You love me Lord, you have allowed evil to rip me in half" "I rebel and clinch my fist and shoot the finger at you Lord, you never leave me and kindly invite me to a safe, warm, loving embrace that fills my heart with hope"...
So, enough with the "we forget the true meaning..." easy guilt inducing missives. Let's talk about the wild ride it is to stand in the tension between our sin and our Savior... He is all about that and I feel close to Him when I see Him teaching, loving, growing, and never forsaking me there.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Advent 12, 13, & 14!! catch up
The other day I asked a husband "Do you love Christmas?"... he quickly said "no, nope I just hate all the overblown hype and commercialization...". About 30 minutes later his wife was sitting on the couch and he was in the other room - same question - "Do you love Christmas?"... she responded quickly also "I do, I just love it, I love what it means, I love doing things for my kids, it is just fun to celebrate...". Interesting contrast... same roof - polar opposite approach to the BEST time of the year. I think our opinion of Christmas is strongly tied to our stories, and I mean like a welded bond of steel.
You can put me squarely in the "love" camp. I hear the "overblown commercialization" excuse most often from grumpy scroogey grinches. They are SAYING that they choose not to dive in and focus on celebrating life, hope, awakening, salvation, eternal enraptured love... Jesus because they don't like what political correctness and retailers have done to Christmas in the name of money. That is a giant load of steaming... well - they are really saying I feel too much shame in this season and I choose to offer contempt and reluctant routine as a way of coping.
Hmmm, well, what if I applied that same reasoning when it comes around to THEIR birthday celebration? I am certain they would appreciate my focus to be on them and not the burden of shopping for a present, paying for a meal, or thinking of something "nice" to write in a stupid card for them... What if I just boycotted celebrating them and their yearly accomplishment of existing for another 365 days and said - your birthday is just a stereotype, a bullshitteous agglomeration of traditional fattening on chocolate cake with bad singing of a bad song... Well, of course - outside they would say "fine by me, I don't need anything", and inside they would be sinking in self doubt and the shame of not being enough to celebrate.
So you get the point - let's do this thing and do it big baby. It is JESUS for heavens sake! I don't give a crap what the "world" has done with it or is trying to do with it - We are having a month long life-fest... everything we eat and say yummmmm, everything we say with kindness and a smile, every warm fire we sit in front of, every winter ale, fine wine, or eggnog and rum we sip, and every song we listen to and sing... is about HIM, our most awesome and coolest possible savior.
"Jesus, someone has a birthday coming up...??? It's YOU! We are having a Jesus Birthmonth if that is o.k. with you sir - because you are all that is Worthy". "We just want to say, to put it mildly... "love you Lord".
You can put me squarely in the "love" camp. I hear the "overblown commercialization" excuse most often from grumpy scroogey grinches. They are SAYING that they choose not to dive in and focus on celebrating life, hope, awakening, salvation, eternal enraptured love... Jesus because they don't like what political correctness and retailers have done to Christmas in the name of money. That is a giant load of steaming... well - they are really saying I feel too much shame in this season and I choose to offer contempt and reluctant routine as a way of coping.
Hmmm, well, what if I applied that same reasoning when it comes around to THEIR birthday celebration? I am certain they would appreciate my focus to be on them and not the burden of shopping for a present, paying for a meal, or thinking of something "nice" to write in a stupid card for them... What if I just boycotted celebrating them and their yearly accomplishment of existing for another 365 days and said - your birthday is just a stereotype, a bullshitteous agglomeration of traditional fattening on chocolate cake with bad singing of a bad song... Well, of course - outside they would say "fine by me, I don't need anything", and inside they would be sinking in self doubt and the shame of not being enough to celebrate.
So you get the point - let's do this thing and do it big baby. It is JESUS for heavens sake! I don't give a crap what the "world" has done with it or is trying to do with it - We are having a month long life-fest... everything we eat and say yummmmm, everything we say with kindness and a smile, every warm fire we sit in front of, every winter ale, fine wine, or eggnog and rum we sip, and every song we listen to and sing... is about HIM, our most awesome and coolest possible savior.
"Jesus, someone has a birthday coming up...??? It's YOU! We are having a Jesus Birthmonth if that is o.k. with you sir - because you are all that is Worthy". "We just want to say, to put it mildly... "love you Lord".
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Advent 10 & 11... not me
Tonight we went and ate a Christmas party dinner with some friends... We had crab stuffed mushrooms, brie with garlic and sweet peppers on crackers... pinwheel fajita steaks, corn, salad, potatoes and green beans... baked Alaska for dessert... Wine, Kahlua and Coffee, Kahlua and Eggnog... It was a Christmas meal dude!
Between appetizers and meal... our host, had taken some money she saved and bought each of us gifts. She wanted us to each say what we thought the gift meant and then she would tell us what she was thinking and we all gave each other words about the gifts. This was all very reminiscent of the community loving and learning we absorbed from Mark and Tracy when they lived here and taught all of us how to share a special meal and tell each other important things about our relationships. It is tragic to not have them with us, and it is important that we honor the legacy they left us.
Anyhow, Kim opened her gift and it was a painting and a poem on it... it was about this simple and important fact - Kim matters - what she offers and who she is matters, it matters when she is present, and painful when she is not... it was very meaningful. I opened mine and it was a picture of the strong, powerful arm of Jesus reaching down from Heaven and grasping the wrist of an arm reaching up for help. This was given to me... I think I knew right away what they wanted to tell me - and I was not going to have anything to do with "being" the arm of Jesus for people needing someone to grab a hold in their distress and not letting go... I saw the nail wound in the wrist of Jesus' arm and I just could not put myself with him there. I immediately said that what it said to me was "I need to be rescued..." I felt a lot of truth for me in that as I stared at the painting - I do need his rescue, I need for him to come for me in many places in my story.
That perspective prepared me to hear what they wanted me to know. I have been that arm for them, I have been the one that did not give up on them... I was told I am a safe man for women - I was told I fight for men with rare persistence. They said a whole lot of words around those concepts and I am more convinced than ever now... I need Jesus to rescue me. I cannot be those things for others unless I surrender, break, and cry out for His grace in the face of all that I do to not need Him in so much of my shame.
I felt proud to be a vehicle for the Strong Arm of Jesus... "If I rise, on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea... Even there, Your hand, will find me - Your Strong Arm will Hold Me Fast... Even there, Your hand, will find me - Your strong arm will hold me fast..."
I love Christmas...
Between appetizers and meal... our host, had taken some money she saved and bought each of us gifts. She wanted us to each say what we thought the gift meant and then she would tell us what she was thinking and we all gave each other words about the gifts. This was all very reminiscent of the community loving and learning we absorbed from Mark and Tracy when they lived here and taught all of us how to share a special meal and tell each other important things about our relationships. It is tragic to not have them with us, and it is important that we honor the legacy they left us.
Anyhow, Kim opened her gift and it was a painting and a poem on it... it was about this simple and important fact - Kim matters - what she offers and who she is matters, it matters when she is present, and painful when she is not... it was very meaningful. I opened mine and it was a picture of the strong, powerful arm of Jesus reaching down from Heaven and grasping the wrist of an arm reaching up for help. This was given to me... I think I knew right away what they wanted to tell me - and I was not going to have anything to do with "being" the arm of Jesus for people needing someone to grab a hold in their distress and not letting go... I saw the nail wound in the wrist of Jesus' arm and I just could not put myself with him there. I immediately said that what it said to me was "I need to be rescued..." I felt a lot of truth for me in that as I stared at the painting - I do need his rescue, I need for him to come for me in many places in my story.
That perspective prepared me to hear what they wanted me to know. I have been that arm for them, I have been the one that did not give up on them... I was told I am a safe man for women - I was told I fight for men with rare persistence. They said a whole lot of words around those concepts and I am more convinced than ever now... I need Jesus to rescue me. I cannot be those things for others unless I surrender, break, and cry out for His grace in the face of all that I do to not need Him in so much of my shame.
I felt proud to be a vehicle for the Strong Arm of Jesus... "If I rise, on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea... Even there, Your hand, will find me - Your Strong Arm will Hold Me Fast... Even there, Your hand, will find me - Your strong arm will hold me fast..."
I love Christmas...
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